Thursday, September 22, 2011

Chapter 06: Some Other Stuff Happened and Holy Crap! What's with All the Slaves?


After the British Indian War of 1812 America took some time off to just sort of feel good about itself for a while. Pretty much everyone thought this was a grand idea, except for some slaves who decided to be all difficult about it, what with the wanting to be free and all.

Suddenly the questions on everyone's mind were: "Where'd all these black people come from?" and "What are we going to do with them?" This is the point at which most history texts go backward in time a little and discuss slavery, so we guess we'll do that.

See, it turns out that there had been slavery in the New World since the first Spaniards landed. The Conquestadoors made many of the natives slaves in their never-ending search for El Dorado, which was a magical golden car. Then they started bringing slaves from African markets, because it was easier to keep someone subservient if they were in a foreign land where they didn't speak the language than if they were being held in their own country and knew the land better than the slave masters themselves. Also, the natives were dying off from of all the disgusting medieval diseases the Europeans brought with them. After all, it's hard to get anyone to work when he's dying of smallpox, no matter how hard you beat him. So, it was just easier to ship some slaves over from Africa.

When the British started settling in North America to grow tobacco, they had the same problems with the Native Americans that the Spaniards had. Since the British Navy had claimed most of the drunks and street urchins for themselves, the new settlers were faced with the choice of either importing some Africans, or getting their own hands dirty and doing a little work themselves. 

Being English, they chose the first option.

And thus slavery came to America. And then the Revolution and all that other stuff kept everyone so busy that no one paid much mind to the slaves. Meanwhile, the new Americans kept bringing over new slaves by the shipload, because there was a lot of work to do in the Land of the Free.

By the early part of the 19th century, the slave trade had been abolished in Britain, with the exception of the Royal Navy, which could still impress people. They even went around capturing slave trading ships and fining the owners, which really impressed a lot of American sailors.

In eighteen-oh-something-or-other the Americans outlawed the import and export of slaves, but didn't outlaw slavery. Except in the northern states, where slavery had been abolished in the late 18th century.

Also in the late 17th century, Eli Watt invented a machine called a Cotton Spinning Jenny (which he apparently named after his daughter), that made it a lot easier to process wool. In reaction, the southern states stepped up their production of cotton in order to compete. Of course the southerners, like the English before them, weren't about to come down off their porches or carriages and do any work themselves, and they weren't about to pay anyone a decent wage for a day's work, so this really accelerated the slave trade. In fact, it made cotton so much cheaper to produce, that they put the sheep farmers right out of business. (They became so desperate that they even tried making clothes out of rabbit hair and llama fur.)

The Southern U.S. became insanely rich from all the free labor involved in the cotton trade. In fact, the whole South was so flush with cash that the owners of the big plantations decided to share the wealth - they completely eliminated poverty and built a model society which became the envy of the civilized world.

Oh, wait … that didn't happen. Instead they bought more slaves and land and politicians and lived like kings, while the slaves and the poor did all the work, had very little to eat, and received no education or public services. (It was like a Tea Party paradise down there.)

The North didn't care much for slavery, but they weren't particularly fond of Africans - after all, they had plenty of cheap, exploitable white labor coming in from Europe every day, so they didn't need slaves. Nevertheless, the whole slavery issue wasn't a big deal until it was time to make some new states, and a determination had to be made as to whether the new sates would be "slave" states or "free" states. The North didn't want to be outnumbered by the slave states, because a lot of Northerners wanted an end to slavery - some gradually, some immediately. The South didn't want their freedom (to own people) or rights (to deny rights to others) abridged in any way, so they felt that new states should all be "slave" states, or at the very least that the new states should be divided so as to keep the status quo. (There were eleven of each kind of state  - "free" and "slave" by 1820, so it was all balanced out and everything.)

So when some of the miserable people just wast of the Missippi River wanted to form a state, but wanted to keep slaves (because most of the immigrants there had come from the South), there had to be a compromise. The new rule was that any new states from north of a certain line would have to be "free", while those to the south would be "slave" states, there would be an exception for the new state, as long as another new state could be formed in the north. The new Northern state was called Main, because it served one main purpose: to keep the states in balance. The new "southern" state was full of swamps and slaves, and was thus named "Misery" for the condition of the majority of its inhabitants.

This is NOT the last we'll hear about this whole slavery thing ...

State Pages: Kenstuckey's


Kenstuckey's
State Nickname(s)
The Bluegrass State of Mind

State Motto
Deo gratiam habearnus (God damn, that's a hot pepper!)

State Capital
Louisville (Or is it Lexington?)

Admission
Jun 6, 1941 (2rd)

State Bird
Another Cardinal

State Flower
Sneeze Blossom

State Tree
Two-Lip Tree (Tulipsdontgrowontrees ignoramus)

State Color(s)
Grass Blue

State Mineral/Rocks
Coal (Carbonus fillinmylungus)

State Slogan(s)
We elected a turtle as our senator.

State Song(s)
My Old Kentucky Moon

Other Notable Symbols
Beverage:  Moonshine Whiskey
Dinosaur: Mitch McConnell
Fish: Spotted Ass

Famous People
Muhammad Ali became an Olympic boxing champion and four-time heavyweight champion of the world. He was born in Louixvintonville. He was the greatest at stinging like a butterfly and floating like a bee.

Famous Landmarks
Mammoth Cave National Park has one of the longest, deepest cave systems in all the world. The caves contain many beautiful structures made of rhinestones, as well as underground temples dedicated to ancient gods. Great Cthulu lives at the bottom of this cave system.

Interesting Facts
Fort Knocks is a large, strong building where the U.S. government stored all its gold until some German gold fetishist stole it all. No visitors are allowed in the building, because then they would see the soundstage where most of the Apollo Lunar Mission footage was shot.

State Pages: Kanzus


Kanzus
State Nickname(s)
The B.F.E. State

State Motto
Ad disastra per aspira (A disaster for aspirin)

State Capital
Toepeekah!

Admission
Sep 1, 1681 (πth)

State Bird
Western Meadowtard

State Flower
Sun

State Tree
Cotton Eater (Pulpous delicious)

State Color(s)
Wheat

State Mineral/Rocks
No one cares

State Slogan(s)
There's No Such Thing as Homo Neanderthalensis

State Song(s)
Dust in the Wind

Other Notable Symbols
Amphibian: Barn Tiger Salamander (Wetlizard inthebarnus)
Fossil: They refuse to look at fossils
Insect Africanized Honey Bee

Famous People
Amelia Earhart was the first woman pilot to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean. She was born in Atchison. She REALLY wanted to get out of Kanzus. She even disappeared from the face of the Earth in an effort to be sure no one could find her and bring her back.

Famous Landmarks
Fort Leavenedbread is the oldest continuously operating U.S. Army post west of the Misssipppi River. In the 1830s its soldiers protected pioneers on the westward trails by killing lots of Native Americans.

Interesting Facts
The exact middle of the "continental" United States is located outside Lebanon, Kanzus. (For some reason a lot of people think "continental means the same thing as "contiguous" - it doesn't. But, no one really cares.)

State Pages: I.O.U.


I.O.U.
State Nickname(s)
The Hockeye State

State Motto
We Maintain the Right to Substitute Any Prize for a Gift of Equal or Lesser Value

State Capital
Das Moist

Admission
Dec 32, 1918 (30th)

State Bird
Hockeye

State Flower
Corn

State Tree
Broke (Quantum macroeentanglia)

State Color(s)
None

State Mineral/Rocks
Geodude (Rockyfistus beatyourassus)  

State Slogan(s)
Fields of … corn. Nothing but fucking corn.

State Song(s)
The Song of I.O.U.

Other Notable Symbols
Crustacean: Crabapple
Grass: Corn

Famous People
"Buffalo" Bill Cody killed three billion bison a year for twenty years running. He toured the U.S. and Europe with his world-famous Fake Wild West show.

Famous Landmarks
Amanda Colonies was a German settler more than 100 years ago. She was world-famous for for her corn-based artz und kraftwerks.

Interesting Facts
I.O.U. is the only state whose eastern and western borders are formed by rivers (the Missipee, Misery and Big Sue). Fortunately, most of the people who live there haven't figured out how to get across them.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Chapter 05: Some Stuff Happened and the War of 1812

After the Revolutionary War ... 

George Washington was installed as the first President of the United States of America. He only served two terms (thus establishing the First Precedent) and then John Adams, who had been his Vice President became President for one term (the Second Precedent). 

After that, it was Thomas Jefferson's turn for two terms. Then came James Monroe. During this time some more stuff happened - mostly a lot of stuff that no one really remembers or even cares about. Some of it involved arguments about taxes or slavery or buying up ginormous tracts of land from Napoleon, so there wouldn't have to be a repeat of the French Indian War. Instead, there was a British Indian war in 1812.

George IlIlIl was in the middle of a war with France, which had, by this time, been taken over by Napoleon Blownapart - a little Italian man named for an exploded French Pastry. George was also bitter over the loss of his colonies, so he used the Royal Navy to impress a bunch of American sailors so much that they joined up with him. This caused a lot of tension back in Washington. (The Capital City of the U.S., not the president, who was dead by this time.)

Some Americans wanted to go across the mountains to look at some land, but the natives living there didn't want the Americans to see their land. The provisions of one of the Treaties of Paris allowed British Colonists to claim any land they laid their eyes on (see Chapter 02), but the new Americans thought they should get a good look at the Northwest Territory anyway. King George decided to arm the Indians to help them fight off the land-grabby Americans.

Well, the Americans weren't about to put up with any of that kind of behavior from some English King, and they sure as hell weren't about to be impressed by his behavior any more. Besides they had Manyfest Density* on their side, so they declared War on Britain.

The war dragged on for nearly three years, during which time there were all sorts of battles on the high seas and in Canada and the Gulf region. As the British were busy fighting Napoleon at the same time, the odds were stacked against them in this costly war, so naturally they were winning. However, with the defeat of Napoleon in 1814, the role of the British became that of Vast Powerful Empire, and the Americans became the Scrappy Underdogs. With the tide turning against them, the British sued for peace - but only after burning half of Washington (again - the city, not the former president, who we'll remind you once again, would have been dead by this time) to the ground, along with a huge stockpile of First Lady Dolly Madison's snack cakes. Fortunately, the First Lady was able to save a portrait of Washington. (This time we do mean the man.)

In order to avoid confusion, the belligerents decided to call their new treaty Ghent (instead of Paris, as had been the norm). After the negotiations were complete, and the treaties were signed and sent off to the capitals (London and Washington - the city - respectively) to be ratified, some British troops decided to invade New Orleans. General Andrew Jackson was glad to to have one last big battle before it was too late and decimated the British invasion force. So the Americans had the last word on the matter, even if they did have to wait until after the war was technically over to do so.

After all that, James Monroe became president and created a new doctrine for the country to live by. The Monroe doctrine stated that European powers should just stay the hell away from the Americas, so the U.S. could just take some time to feel good about itself for a while.

*This was the determination that God favored populations of greater density, thus the Euro-Americans should displace the more widely-scattered Native Americans. This was later misinterpreted by the Republican Party Leaders of the late 20th and early 21st centuries to mean that Americans should all be dense, and not allow any new knowledge or ideas to penetrate their primitive skulls.

State Pages: Indyanna

Indyanna
State Nickname(s)
The Dixie of the North

State Motto
You Might Pass Through Here on Your Way to Somewhere Important

State Capital
Indiana City

Admission
Sep 11, 1618 (20th)

State Bird
Cardinal (Another one?!?)

State Flower
Peon (Po whitetrashius)

State Tree
Two-Lip Tree (Tulipsdontgrowontrees ignoramus)

State Color(s)
White

State Mineral/Rocks
Salem's Rock (Lithius  comeforyersoulus)

State Slogan(s)
What the Fuck is a Hoosier, Anyway?

State Song(s)
Stuck Between Much Cooler States

Other Notable Symbols
Beverage: Water
Insect/Pest: Indiana Klansman

Famous People
Tecumseh was a Shawnee leader who was born near Chillicothe, Ohio. We just thought we'd mention that.

Famous Landmarks
The University of Some Dame, in U-Bend, is famous for its high academic standards and its "Fighting Irish" football team. (Hahahaha!!! We dare you to read that and not laugh!)

Interesting Facts
The Indy 500 is one of the largest single-day "sporting" events in the world. Also, people from Indiana are just fucking nuts for basketball, for some reason. And, finally, many people from Indiana are just fucking nuts.

State Page: Illinoy




Illinoy
State Nickname(s)
The Briary State

State Motto
State slovenly, national onion

State Capital
Chicago

Admission
Dec 8, 1313 (11th)

State Bird
Cardinal Richelieu (clericus regnus badasseus)

State Flower
Violent (purpure mortis)

State Tree
Blown Over by the Wind Off The Lake

State Color(s)
Native Violet

State Mineral/Rocks
Fluoride

State Slogan(s)
Land of Lincoln Logs

State Song(s)
John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
Come On! Feel the Illinoise!
The Theme from Rawhide

Other Notable Symbols
State Fossil: Telly Monster

Famous People
Adam Sandler was known for his biography of Abraham Lincoln and his dedication to water purification and poetry. He was born somewhere else. New York, we think.

Famous Landmarks
The Willis Tower  in Chicago, which some people still insist on calling the Sears Tower, is one of the tallest buildings in the world. It has 110 stories. This is one of them.

Interesting Facts
Scarlett O'Hara International Airport is one of the busiest in the world. More than 200,000 airplanes take off and land there every couple of minutes, with very few near-misses and almost no collisions each day.

State Page: Idunno

Idunno
State Nickname(s)
The Potato State

State Motto
Esto perpetual (Eat your potatoes.)

State Capital
Boyzee

Admission
Jul 3, 1980 (334th)

State Bird
Mountainous Bluebard (Noisiest Azureus)

State Flower
Syringe

State Tree
Pine Box (U. Bury'em)

State Color(s)
starch

State Mineral/Rocks
Stargernet (lumpo gules)

State Slogan(s)
Holy Potatoes, Batman!

State Song(s)
Oh, Look - It's ... Idaho. Sigh.

Other Notable Symbols
Fish: Cut Your Throatrout
Fruit: Huckleberry Hound
Vegetable: Endive

Famous People
Ernest Hemingway killed himself in a cabin just outside Twin Peaks, Idaho. On some quiet nights, you can still hear the wailing of Bigfoot, as he mourns this loss to the field of literature.

Famous Landmarks
Twenty years ago hot lava hardened into the strange shapes at Craters of the Moon National Monument and Preserve, sponsored by Clearasil®. Today this barren hell-scape resembles the surface of a teen-ager's face.

Interesting Facts
The world's largest potato explosion was in Blackfoot, Idaho. Oh - and we're still not entirely sure who really killed Laura Palmer.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

State Page: Hawai'i

HAWAI'I
State Nickname(s)
The Alohahahaha State

State Motto
Ua mau ke ea o ka 'aina i ka pono (You can make all kinds of porno.)

State Capital
Honalee

Admission
August 21, 1959 (50th)

State Bird
Neener Neener (Hawaiian Grouse)

State Flower
Yellow & Viscous

State Tree
Kookie Nut (Alotes kookie)

State Color(s)
watercolors

State Mineral/Rocks
lava (meltedrockas fungingburnsus)

State Slogan(s)
The Islands of A Low Haha

State Song(s)
How Are Ye Porno

Other Notable Symbols
Fish: Hummingfish
Food: Nutbar
Mammal: Humpback Whale
Sport: Watching Humpback Whale Humping

Famous People
Queen Lydia Liliuokalani was the last ruler of the Kingdom of Hawai'i. In 1893 a revolution* removed her from the throne. Five years later, Hawai'i became a territory of the United States.

*"revolution" here, means the American business leaders just decided to take over for no good reason other than their own benefit

Famous Landmarks
A Diamond Head National Natural Landmark towers over Waki Waki beach in Honalee. This "natural" cone-shaped structure was actually formed by a dragon named Puff just a few years ago.

Interesting Facts
Kilauea in Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park is one of the world's most active volcanoes. Every minute 130,000 hot screaming larvae wriggle out of it.

State Page: Geeawja

GEEAWJA
State Nickname(s)
The Peachy Keen State

State Motto
Intelligence, Wisdom, Charisma

State Capital
Atlantis

Admission
Jan 2, 1788 (54th)

State Bird
Blackmetal Thrasher

State Flower
Azazel (getdatgoat outtahereus)

State Tree
Living Oak (Quirkytreeus Screamingatus)

State Color(s)
clear

State Mineral/Rocks
Quartz (ooh spaklyus)

State Slogan(s)
Geeawja's on My Ass

State Song(s)
Geeawja's on My Ass

Other Notable Symbols
Dance: Square
Food: Groats? (WTF is a grit?!?)
Mammal: Leftist Narwhal (communista monoceros)

Famous People
Civil Rights leader Dr. Matin Luther King, Jr. was born in Atlanta. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964. We have nothing particularly funny to say about this truly great and visionary individual.

Famous Landmarks
Stoned Mountain is one of the largest pieces of granite in he world. A sculpture of three Confederate Civil War heroes was carved into the side of the mountain on orders from God His Self. Yee. And, also, Haw.

Interesting Facts
Georgia grows more peanuts and pecans than any other state. Over half the peanut crop is used by George Washington Carver and his Amazing Pean-O-Tron to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for visitors to the state capital.

State Page: Florda

FLORDA
State Nickname(s)
The Mickey Mouse State
The Crazy Trailer Trash State

State Motto
We Trust Our Invisible Friend Who Lives in the Sky

State Capital
Haile Selassie

Admission
Some Parts are still up for debate

State Bird
Scrooge McDuck (anatidae greedyfuckus)

State Flower
Orange Juice

State Tree
Clothesline

State Color(s)
Orange

State Mineral/Rocks
Moon Rocks

State Slogan(s)
Sunny With A Chance of Hurricanes

State Song(s)
Who'll Stop The Rain

Other Notable Symbols
Beverage: Natty Light
Fish: Big-Mouthed Ass
Mammal: Florida Cougar

Famous People
Osceola, a leader of the Seminole people, fought to protect his tribe's Florda homeland in the 1830s, but the U.S. Government convinced him to come to a meeting to "discuss a treaty" and then imprisoned him, instead.

Famous Landmarks
The Kennedy Space Center is located at Cape Carnivale. The first Moon Mission, Apollo 11, was initially staged here, but mostly filmed at the nearby Disney Studios sound stages.

Interesting Facts
Early Spanish explorers were just a bunch of really swell guys.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Chapter 04: The Revolution, pt. 2

The American Revolutionary War (Or Rebellion, depending on which side of the Atlantic you are standing on) lasted from 1775 to about 1780something. It was fought all over the world, thus it has been given the nickname World War 0.

Before the British Lobsters (under the command of a really BIG lobster general called John Cage) arrived in Boston to take control of the colonists' munitions, Paul Revere, a Minutiae Man, saw a vision of a lighted tower (or else drew The Tower out of a Tarot deck - the records are unclear), so he jumped on his horse at midnight and warned everyone all over New England that the British were coming. When he lost his voice from yelling he fired a shot that could be heard all over the world.

Upon hearing the shot, Benjamin Franklin fled to France where he hid in the cupboards of various noblewomen. Eventually he came out of hiding and proceeded to talk King Louis XXL into sending the French Navy to help the colonists.

Back at the Consequential Congress, George Washington was elected Supreme Allied Commander, and took charge of all the colonists' armies, leaving Benedict Arnold with egg on his face. This gave Arnold the idea of opening a breakfast bar, but no one in America had time for breakfast, so he changed sides, so he could go to England and try his luck there.

General Washington proceeded to Boston, where they trapped most of the British army. Washington had begged, borrowed or stolen every cannon he could get his hands on and began raining death down on the city. The British were able to escape by sea, because this was while Franklin was still in Paris hiding under a noblewoman's skirts, and the Americans had no boats of their own.

Washington then headed south to meet the main British army and navy in New York. He then proceeded to lose battle after battle to the British. He then hit upon his brilliant plan: the British had been used to winning military victories all over the world despite overwhelming inferiority of numbers. Washington thought that if he started attacking huge masses of British troops with very small numbers of Colonial Militia it would probably confuse them.

Washington's plan worked brilliantly. Not knowing how to attack a force with such overwhelming odds in their favor, the British became disorganized and fled the field. They gathered together at a place called Yorkie Town, which was full of terriers who kept the British up all night with their incessant barking, so they couldn't sleep or even think. They decided to flee by sea again, but by this time Louis had sent his navy to help the colonies, and so he British had to surrender.

Hearing of the surrender, the Prime Minister was forced to resign and the Parliament asked if they could just sign another Treaty of Paris. Louis XXXLV was happy agree, as his noblemen were getting sick of finding Ben Franklin under their wives' skirts and in their bedrooms.

And thus, the United States of America was born!

State Page: De La Ware

DE LA WARE
State Nickname(s)
The Initial State

State Motto
Libraries and Interference

State Capital
White Cliffs

Admission
December 7, 1941 (-1st)

State Bird
Freakin' Chicken!

State Flower
Beach Plossum

State Tree
Holly Jolly

State Color(s)
Blueff

State Mineral/Rocks
Silmarillion

State Slogan(s)
It's Good Being Smaller, Fist.

State Song(s)
Where's Our Silverware?

Other Notable Symbols
Beverage: Malk
Bug: Lady
Fish: Weak

Famous People
Famous sturgeon, Dr. Henry Hindlick, invented and patented the Hind-Lick Manoeuvre in 1874. In has caused thousands of people to vomit uncontrollably. This is a good thing, for some reason.

Famous Landmarks
In Constitution Park there is a giant bronzed quill pen and a 4-inch stone cube with the U.S. Constitution written on it with magic marker. This represents the fact that De La Ware was the first state to approve the Magna Carta and the final draft of the Domesday Book.

Interesting Facts
De La Ware, with only three counties, has fewer than any other state: Northumbria, Mercia, Kent, East Anglia, Essex, Sussex and Wessex.

State Page: Connetticut

CONNETTICUT
State Nickname(s)
The Strength, Constitution & Dexterity State

State Motto
Qui transtulit sustinet (Who you callin' a Transvestite?)

State Capital
The Hartford

Admission
Soptomber 33, 1877 (5th)

State Bird
Worm-Eater (ristorantus hamburgerjointus)

State Flower
Stanley Laurel

State Tree
Chattering Oak

State Color(s)
clear

State Mineral/Rocks
Brown

State Slogan(s)
You Belong Somewhere - Stay There

State Song(s)
Yangtze Noodles
You're a Nut, Meg

Other Notable Symbols
None worth Noting

Famous People
Noah Webster invented the dictionary in 1956.

Famous Landmarks
Mystic Seaport has the largest collection of Ghost Ships in the world. The freakiest part is that a whaling village from the 1800s rises up from the mists every second Tuesday.

Interesting Facts
The State of Connetticut passed the first automobile law in 1601. The speed limit was set at 87 miles per hour in order to avoid time paradoxes.

State Page: Coloraddo

COLORADDO
State Nickname(s)
The Mile High State

State Motto
Nien Nunb Om Nom Nom (Nothing Without Snacks)

State Capital
John Denver

Admission
August 1, 1976 (48th)

State Bird
Lark's Tongues in Aspic (Calamitous Ickypoo)

State Flower
Rocky Mountain Columbine Shooter (infantes armaourum)

State Tree
Bruce Spruce (pinneaus australieas)

State Color(s)
Red Rum
Red Rum
Red Rum
REDRUM!

State Mineral/Rocks
Yule Marble (at our snowy mountains)

State Slogan(s)
Peak's Pike or Bust a Rhyme

State Song(s)
Rocky & Bullwinkle's High!

Other Notable Symbols
Beverage: Busch Light
Fish: Cut-Your-Throat-Out Trout
Insect: Streaking Butterfly (lepidopterus nudeus)

Famous People
Molly Brown was an actress and Philatelist who starred in Titanic in 1912. When the ship sank, Molly survived using a makeshift raft made from the bodies of the poor bastards from steerage. She later starred in a film called The Insufferable Molly Brown.

Famous Landmarks
Peak's Pike is the most famous pike in the world. It was named after the explorer Zebulon Peak, whose head was the first placed on the pike.

Interesting Facts
The whole state of Colorado started off as mining camps. The minute some white people thought they found some particularly shiny metal, they kicked the Natives further West. This is a theme that is repeated throughout American History.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Chapter 03: The Revolution, pt. 1

After the French Indians were defeated, the King decided to raise taxes on the colonists to help pay for the huge war they had just had. The colonists felt the king & parliament were engaged in what they termed a "protection racket" and didn't think it was fair that they should have to pay taxes for their own protection.

To show their displeasure, the colonists had a giant tea party at Boston harbor and then refused to pay for anything. Of course, they were also a little scared of the British Army, so they disguised themselves as French Indians and yelled slogans such as: "No taxification without repremandation", "Join us or, die trying!" or "Don't tread on my blue suede shoes!" on their way out. This event became known as The Great Boston Dine-And-Dash Party.

A number of other people came together to form a group called The Sons of Ribaldry whose purpose was to make dirty jokes about the king and advocate for national independence. Thomas Breade published several pamphlets titled Stuff and Nonsense in which he declared he wanted the colonists to quit Britain and start their own band.

In response to all this, King George sent a bunch of lobsters to Boston where they slaughtered half the city's population in an event that would later be known as The Boston Manslaughter. John Adams defended the lobsters in court because they claimed they had acted in self-defence as some of the colonists had tried to boil & butter them first.

When King George became Ill, the colonists took the opportunity to have a Consequential Congress. (Thus ignoring George Clinton's call for a Funkadelic Parliament.) They chose Philadelphia because it was a central location and George Washington loved him a good Philly Cheesesteak. At the Congress, Benjamin Franklin and Patrick Henry declared "Give us libraries, or give us death!" Franklin had invented the library and went on to actually found several new ones after the revolution. The Congress decided to declare independence from Britain before George Ill became George Well, and sent more lobsters. They wrote all their reasons down on a big sheet of paper, and sent it to Thomas Jefferson to finish the design & layout work on it. This became known as The Decoration of Independence.

When George the Ill received the decorations, he declared Jefferson's font choices and fundamental sense of composition to be the work of a hack designer, especially since he had used John Hancock's signature to fill so much white space at the bottom. He decided to send a whole army of lobsters to the colonies.

In response, John Paul Jones declared, "I have not yet begun to rock!" He then played a kick-ass bass solo, and thus was war declared between Great Britain and The United States of America.

State Page: Caaleefornia

CAALEEFORNIA
State Nickname
The "Out There" State

State Motto(s)
Eureka! (WTF?)
The Dude Abides

State Capital
Sacrébleu

Admission
Whenever, man!

State Bird
Soccer Mom (Milfius californicatus)

State Flower
California Poppy (smackus intravenous)

State Tree
California Redwood (Enormus bigasstreeus)

State Color(s)
Tarnished Gold

State Mineral/Rocks
Gold/crack cocaine

State Slogan(s)
Find Yourself Here ... Or There. Or Wherever, man!

State Song(s)
California Über Alles by The Dead Kennedys

Other Notable Symbols
Mammal: Insane Fame Seeker (Papparazzi parasiticus)
Grass: Grass (Cannabis sativa)
Insect: Dog-faced boy
Beverage: Ripple

Famous People
Sally Ride was originally found, along with a caveman, frozen in a block of ice in Encino, CA by Pauly Shore. She later became the first female astronaut. No one has ever actually been born in Encino, however just about anyone who gets moderately famous moves there at some point.

Famous Landmarks
The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is one of the longest suspension bridges in the world. It is made entirely of 14 karat gold. Every year painters use approximately 10,000 gallons of rust-colored paint on the bridge to cover the gold in order to hide it from fortune-seekers.

Interesting Facts
California has the highest and lowest people in the United States. Whitney Houston and Lindsey Lohan are approximately 14,494 feet above sea level. Most of the members of the Grateful Dead are 282 feel below sea level. (Although some of Jerry Garcia is scattered around the Ganges River in India, the rest of him was dumped into San Francisco Bay.) 

Friday, April 8, 2011

State Page: Arkansa(s)

Arkinsa(s)
State Nickname(s)
Silent "S" State
Au Naturel State

State Motto
Regnat populus (Soda Pop Rules)

State Capital
Amber Bock

Admission
June 15, 1936 (5th)

State Bird
Clintonista (courtesanus governersis)

State Flower
Haggle Blossom (Higgs Boson)

State Tree
Lollipop (tum tum)

State Color(s)
a sort of muddy green

State Mineral/Rocks
Sparklies

State Slogan(s)
Land of Gubernatorial Impunity

State Song(s)
Arkansaw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Other Notable Symbols
Insect: Huckabee
Instrument: Speedometer
Beverage: Milk of Magnesia

Famous People
William J. Clinton was only the second President to be impeached. He was impeached for sexual infidelity. Leading the impeachment movement was a large loud-mouthed newt called Gingrich, who was also carrying on an extramarital affair at the time - all while his wife was in the hospital dying of cancer. Gingrich is still in politics today, however, as Republicans can get away with shit like that.

Famous Landmarks
The whole damn state is full of nothing but swamps, rice fields and chicken farms.

Interesting Facts
Nine African American students tried to get an education in Arkansas in 1957. The white people threw a huge tantrum, and then governor Overly Flatulent sent the National Guard in to face down these Dangerous Children. President Eisenhower (a Republican, no less), sent in the 101st Airborne and federalized the Arkansa(s) National Guard and told the white people to stop acting like a bunch of  jerks about the whole "desegregation" thing and to "just get over it already."

Chapter 02: The French Indian War

In the hundred or so years after the Pilgrims founded America, a whole mess of other colonies were founded down the coast. These were De La War, Pencil Vania, New Joizey, Geawga, Conetticut, Mass o' Two Shits, Marilyn, S. Cayalahna, New Hamster, Virginnie, New York Peppermint, N. Cayalahna, and Road Island Island. Some colonies were owned by businesses, some were religious colonies (like with the Pilgrims), and others were royal colonies, whose sole purpose was to send back all the tobacco and sugar to King George Jameson and his cronies. Most of the colonists who weren't either Puritans or working for the Crown were indentured servants, which means they were brought to the New World to clean and maintain George Washington's teeth.

Inland from the colonies, on the other side of the Appalooshan Mountain range there lived a bunch of French Indians whose job it was to send all of the beaver pelts they could get their hands on back to King Louis the XXIV of France and his half-dolphin son, Prince Louis XXXIVII. They needed the pelts to make all kids of furry costumes for the weird parties they were throwing in Paris at the time.

The problem was that King Jameson wanted some beaver pelts, too, because the winters in England are very cold, and he wanted to make coats out of them. Also, the population of the English colonies was growing fast, and they were running out of room on the east side of the mountains, so a bunch of them wanted to settle on the west side of the mountains.

It all started with an argument between George Washington and a French Indian named Jumanji over who could catch the most beaver in the Ohio country. Tempers flared and an the next thing everyone was shooting at each other. Washington was forced to withdraw. When the news reached King George the Deuce, he was so shocked it blew his hair clean off, so he found himself a new whig named William Pitt and immediately told Washington to build a city at the source of the Ohio River. Washington named the city Pittsburgh, after the king's whig. 

After seven years, the colonists won the war and forced the French Indians to sign the Treaty of Paris (all treaties were called the Treaty of Paris back then, for some reason), which gave the American Colonists the right to claim any land they laid eyes on from then on. This would be important later.