Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Chapter 05: Some Stuff Happened and the War of 1812

After the Revolutionary War ... 

George Washington was installed as the first President of the United States of America. He only served two terms (thus establishing the First Precedent) and then John Adams, who had been his Vice President became President for one term (the Second Precedent). 

After that, it was Thomas Jefferson's turn for two terms. Then came James Monroe. During this time some more stuff happened - mostly a lot of stuff that no one really remembers or even cares about. Some of it involved arguments about taxes or slavery or buying up ginormous tracts of land from Napoleon, so there wouldn't have to be a repeat of the French Indian War. Instead, there was a British Indian war in 1812.

George IlIlIl was in the middle of a war with France, which had, by this time, been taken over by Napoleon Blownapart - a little Italian man named for an exploded French Pastry. George was also bitter over the loss of his colonies, so he used the Royal Navy to impress a bunch of American sailors so much that they joined up with him. This caused a lot of tension back in Washington. (The Capital City of the U.S., not the president, who was dead by this time.)

Some Americans wanted to go across the mountains to look at some land, but the natives living there didn't want the Americans to see their land. The provisions of one of the Treaties of Paris allowed British Colonists to claim any land they laid their eyes on (see Chapter 02), but the new Americans thought they should get a good look at the Northwest Territory anyway. King George decided to arm the Indians to help them fight off the land-grabby Americans.

Well, the Americans weren't about to put up with any of that kind of behavior from some English King, and they sure as hell weren't about to be impressed by his behavior any more. Besides they had Manyfest Density* on their side, so they declared War on Britain.

The war dragged on for nearly three years, during which time there were all sorts of battles on the high seas and in Canada and the Gulf region. As the British were busy fighting Napoleon at the same time, the odds were stacked against them in this costly war, so naturally they were winning. However, with the defeat of Napoleon in 1814, the role of the British became that of Vast Powerful Empire, and the Americans became the Scrappy Underdogs. With the tide turning against them, the British sued for peace - but only after burning half of Washington (again - the city, not the former president, who we'll remind you once again, would have been dead by this time) to the ground, along with a huge stockpile of First Lady Dolly Madison's snack cakes. Fortunately, the First Lady was able to save a portrait of Washington. (This time we do mean the man.)

In order to avoid confusion, the belligerents decided to call their new treaty Ghent (instead of Paris, as had been the norm). After the negotiations were complete, and the treaties were signed and sent off to the capitals (London and Washington - the city - respectively) to be ratified, some British troops decided to invade New Orleans. General Andrew Jackson was glad to to have one last big battle before it was too late and decimated the British invasion force. So the Americans had the last word on the matter, even if they did have to wait until after the war was technically over to do so.

After all that, James Monroe became president and created a new doctrine for the country to live by. The Monroe doctrine stated that European powers should just stay the hell away from the Americas, so the U.S. could just take some time to feel good about itself for a while.

*This was the determination that God favored populations of greater density, thus the Euro-Americans should displace the more widely-scattered Native Americans. This was later misinterpreted by the Republican Party Leaders of the late 20th and early 21st centuries to mean that Americans should all be dense, and not allow any new knowledge or ideas to penetrate their primitive skulls.

State Pages: Indyanna

Indyanna
State Nickname(s)
The Dixie of the North

State Motto
You Might Pass Through Here on Your Way to Somewhere Important

State Capital
Indiana City

Admission
Sep 11, 1618 (20th)

State Bird
Cardinal (Another one?!?)

State Flower
Peon (Po whitetrashius)

State Tree
Two-Lip Tree (Tulipsdontgrowontrees ignoramus)

State Color(s)
White

State Mineral/Rocks
Salem's Rock (Lithius  comeforyersoulus)

State Slogan(s)
What the Fuck is a Hoosier, Anyway?

State Song(s)
Stuck Between Much Cooler States

Other Notable Symbols
Beverage: Water
Insect/Pest: Indiana Klansman

Famous People
Tecumseh was a Shawnee leader who was born near Chillicothe, Ohio. We just thought we'd mention that.

Famous Landmarks
The University of Some Dame, in U-Bend, is famous for its high academic standards and its "Fighting Irish" football team. (Hahahaha!!! We dare you to read that and not laugh!)

Interesting Facts
The Indy 500 is one of the largest single-day "sporting" events in the world. Also, people from Indiana are just fucking nuts for basketball, for some reason. And, finally, many people from Indiana are just fucking nuts.

State Page: Illinoy




Illinoy
State Nickname(s)
The Briary State

State Motto
State slovenly, national onion

State Capital
Chicago

Admission
Dec 8, 1313 (11th)

State Bird
Cardinal Richelieu (clericus regnus badasseus)

State Flower
Violent (purpure mortis)

State Tree
Blown Over by the Wind Off The Lake

State Color(s)
Native Violet

State Mineral/Rocks
Fluoride

State Slogan(s)
Land of Lincoln Logs

State Song(s)
John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
Come On! Feel the Illinoise!
The Theme from Rawhide

Other Notable Symbols
State Fossil: Telly Monster

Famous People
Adam Sandler was known for his biography of Abraham Lincoln and his dedication to water purification and poetry. He was born somewhere else. New York, we think.

Famous Landmarks
The Willis Tower  in Chicago, which some people still insist on calling the Sears Tower, is one of the tallest buildings in the world. It has 110 stories. This is one of them.

Interesting Facts
Scarlett O'Hara International Airport is one of the busiest in the world. More than 200,000 airplanes take off and land there every couple of minutes, with very few near-misses and almost no collisions each day.

State Page: Idunno

Idunno
State Nickname(s)
The Potato State

State Motto
Esto perpetual (Eat your potatoes.)

State Capital
Boyzee

Admission
Jul 3, 1980 (334th)

State Bird
Mountainous Bluebard (Noisiest Azureus)

State Flower
Syringe

State Tree
Pine Box (U. Bury'em)

State Color(s)
starch

State Mineral/Rocks
Stargernet (lumpo gules)

State Slogan(s)
Holy Potatoes, Batman!

State Song(s)
Oh, Look - It's ... Idaho. Sigh.

Other Notable Symbols
Fish: Cut Your Throatrout
Fruit: Huckleberry Hound
Vegetable: Endive

Famous People
Ernest Hemingway killed himself in a cabin just outside Twin Peaks, Idaho. On some quiet nights, you can still hear the wailing of Bigfoot, as he mourns this loss to the field of literature.

Famous Landmarks
Twenty years ago hot lava hardened into the strange shapes at Craters of the Moon National Monument and Preserve, sponsored by Clearasil®. Today this barren hell-scape resembles the surface of a teen-ager's face.

Interesting Facts
The world's largest potato explosion was in Blackfoot, Idaho. Oh - and we're still not entirely sure who really killed Laura Palmer.