Friday, April 8, 2011

Chapter 02: The French Indian War

In the hundred or so years after the Pilgrims founded America, a whole mess of other colonies were founded down the coast. These were De La War, Pencil Vania, New Joizey, Geawga, Conetticut, Mass o' Two Shits, Marilyn, S. Cayalahna, New Hamster, Virginnie, New York Peppermint, N. Cayalahna, and Road Island Island. Some colonies were owned by businesses, some were religious colonies (like with the Pilgrims), and others were royal colonies, whose sole purpose was to send back all the tobacco and sugar to King George Jameson and his cronies. Most of the colonists who weren't either Puritans or working for the Crown were indentured servants, which means they were brought to the New World to clean and maintain George Washington's teeth.

Inland from the colonies, on the other side of the Appalooshan Mountain range there lived a bunch of French Indians whose job it was to send all of the beaver pelts they could get their hands on back to King Louis the XXIV of France and his half-dolphin son, Prince Louis XXXIVII. They needed the pelts to make all kids of furry costumes for the weird parties they were throwing in Paris at the time.

The problem was that King Jameson wanted some beaver pelts, too, because the winters in England are very cold, and he wanted to make coats out of them. Also, the population of the English colonies was growing fast, and they were running out of room on the east side of the mountains, so a bunch of them wanted to settle on the west side of the mountains.

It all started with an argument between George Washington and a French Indian named Jumanji over who could catch the most beaver in the Ohio country. Tempers flared and an the next thing everyone was shooting at each other. Washington was forced to withdraw. When the news reached King George the Deuce, he was so shocked it blew his hair clean off, so he found himself a new whig named William Pitt and immediately told Washington to build a city at the source of the Ohio River. Washington named the city Pittsburgh, after the king's whig. 

After seven years, the colonists won the war and forced the French Indians to sign the Treaty of Paris (all treaties were called the Treaty of Paris back then, for some reason), which gave the American Colonists the right to claim any land they laid eyes on from then on. This would be important later.

No comments:

Post a Comment