Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Chapter 04: The Revolution, pt. 2

The American Revolutionary War (Or Rebellion, depending on which side of the Atlantic you are standing on) lasted from 1775 to about 1780something. It was fought all over the world, thus it has been given the nickname World War 0.

Before the British Lobsters (under the command of a really BIG lobster general called John Cage) arrived in Boston to take control of the colonists' munitions, Paul Revere, a Minutiae Man, saw a vision of a lighted tower (or else drew The Tower out of a Tarot deck - the records are unclear), so he jumped on his horse at midnight and warned everyone all over New England that the British were coming. When he lost his voice from yelling he fired a shot that could be heard all over the world.

Upon hearing the shot, Benjamin Franklin fled to France where he hid in the cupboards of various noblewomen. Eventually he came out of hiding and proceeded to talk King Louis XXL into sending the French Navy to help the colonists.

Back at the Consequential Congress, George Washington was elected Supreme Allied Commander, and took charge of all the colonists' armies, leaving Benedict Arnold with egg on his face. This gave Arnold the idea of opening a breakfast bar, but no one in America had time for breakfast, so he changed sides, so he could go to England and try his luck there.

General Washington proceeded to Boston, where they trapped most of the British army. Washington had begged, borrowed or stolen every cannon he could get his hands on and began raining death down on the city. The British were able to escape by sea, because this was while Franklin was still in Paris hiding under a noblewoman's skirts, and the Americans had no boats of their own.

Washington then headed south to meet the main British army and navy in New York. He then proceeded to lose battle after battle to the British. He then hit upon his brilliant plan: the British had been used to winning military victories all over the world despite overwhelming inferiority of numbers. Washington thought that if he started attacking huge masses of British troops with very small numbers of Colonial Militia it would probably confuse them.

Washington's plan worked brilliantly. Not knowing how to attack a force with such overwhelming odds in their favor, the British became disorganized and fled the field. They gathered together at a place called Yorkie Town, which was full of terriers who kept the British up all night with their incessant barking, so they couldn't sleep or even think. They decided to flee by sea again, but by this time Louis had sent his navy to help the colonies, and so he British had to surrender.

Hearing of the surrender, the Prime Minister was forced to resign and the Parliament asked if they could just sign another Treaty of Paris. Louis XXXLV was happy agree, as his noblemen were getting sick of finding Ben Franklin under their wives' skirts and in their bedrooms.

And thus, the United States of America was born!

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