Thursday, September 22, 2011

Chapter 06: Some Other Stuff Happened and Holy Crap! What's with All the Slaves?


After the British Indian War of 1812 America took some time off to just sort of feel good about itself for a while. Pretty much everyone thought this was a grand idea, except for some slaves who decided to be all difficult about it, what with the wanting to be free and all.

Suddenly the questions on everyone's mind were: "Where'd all these black people come from?" and "What are we going to do with them?" This is the point at which most history texts go backward in time a little and discuss slavery, so we guess we'll do that.

See, it turns out that there had been slavery in the New World since the first Spaniards landed. The Conquestadoors made many of the natives slaves in their never-ending search for El Dorado, which was a magical golden car. Then they started bringing slaves from African markets, because it was easier to keep someone subservient if they were in a foreign land where they didn't speak the language than if they were being held in their own country and knew the land better than the slave masters themselves. Also, the natives were dying off from of all the disgusting medieval diseases the Europeans brought with them. After all, it's hard to get anyone to work when he's dying of smallpox, no matter how hard you beat him. So, it was just easier to ship some slaves over from Africa.

When the British started settling in North America to grow tobacco, they had the same problems with the Native Americans that the Spaniards had. Since the British Navy had claimed most of the drunks and street urchins for themselves, the new settlers were faced with the choice of either importing some Africans, or getting their own hands dirty and doing a little work themselves. 

Being English, they chose the first option.

And thus slavery came to America. And then the Revolution and all that other stuff kept everyone so busy that no one paid much mind to the slaves. Meanwhile, the new Americans kept bringing over new slaves by the shipload, because there was a lot of work to do in the Land of the Free.

By the early part of the 19th century, the slave trade had been abolished in Britain, with the exception of the Royal Navy, which could still impress people. They even went around capturing slave trading ships and fining the owners, which really impressed a lot of American sailors.

In eighteen-oh-something-or-other the Americans outlawed the import and export of slaves, but didn't outlaw slavery. Except in the northern states, where slavery had been abolished in the late 18th century.

Also in the late 17th century, Eli Watt invented a machine called a Cotton Spinning Jenny (which he apparently named after his daughter), that made it a lot easier to process wool. In reaction, the southern states stepped up their production of cotton in order to compete. Of course the southerners, like the English before them, weren't about to come down off their porches or carriages and do any work themselves, and they weren't about to pay anyone a decent wage for a day's work, so this really accelerated the slave trade. In fact, it made cotton so much cheaper to produce, that they put the sheep farmers right out of business. (They became so desperate that they even tried making clothes out of rabbit hair and llama fur.)

The Southern U.S. became insanely rich from all the free labor involved in the cotton trade. In fact, the whole South was so flush with cash that the owners of the big plantations decided to share the wealth - they completely eliminated poverty and built a model society which became the envy of the civilized world.

Oh, wait … that didn't happen. Instead they bought more slaves and land and politicians and lived like kings, while the slaves and the poor did all the work, had very little to eat, and received no education or public services. (It was like a Tea Party paradise down there.)

The North didn't care much for slavery, but they weren't particularly fond of Africans - after all, they had plenty of cheap, exploitable white labor coming in from Europe every day, so they didn't need slaves. Nevertheless, the whole slavery issue wasn't a big deal until it was time to make some new states, and a determination had to be made as to whether the new sates would be "slave" states or "free" states. The North didn't want to be outnumbered by the slave states, because a lot of Northerners wanted an end to slavery - some gradually, some immediately. The South didn't want their freedom (to own people) or rights (to deny rights to others) abridged in any way, so they felt that new states should all be "slave" states, or at the very least that the new states should be divided so as to keep the status quo. (There were eleven of each kind of state  - "free" and "slave" by 1820, so it was all balanced out and everything.)

So when some of the miserable people just wast of the Missippi River wanted to form a state, but wanted to keep slaves (because most of the immigrants there had come from the South), there had to be a compromise. The new rule was that any new states from north of a certain line would have to be "free", while those to the south would be "slave" states, there would be an exception for the new state, as long as another new state could be formed in the north. The new Northern state was called Main, because it served one main purpose: to keep the states in balance. The new "southern" state was full of swamps and slaves, and was thus named "Misery" for the condition of the majority of its inhabitants.

This is NOT the last we'll hear about this whole slavery thing ...

State Pages: Kenstuckey's


Kenstuckey's
State Nickname(s)
The Bluegrass State of Mind

State Motto
Deo gratiam habearnus (God damn, that's a hot pepper!)

State Capital
Louisville (Or is it Lexington?)

Admission
Jun 6, 1941 (2rd)

State Bird
Another Cardinal

State Flower
Sneeze Blossom

State Tree
Two-Lip Tree (Tulipsdontgrowontrees ignoramus)

State Color(s)
Grass Blue

State Mineral/Rocks
Coal (Carbonus fillinmylungus)

State Slogan(s)
We elected a turtle as our senator.

State Song(s)
My Old Kentucky Moon

Other Notable Symbols
Beverage:  Moonshine Whiskey
Dinosaur: Mitch McConnell
Fish: Spotted Ass

Famous People
Muhammad Ali became an Olympic boxing champion and four-time heavyweight champion of the world. He was born in Louixvintonville. He was the greatest at stinging like a butterfly and floating like a bee.

Famous Landmarks
Mammoth Cave National Park has one of the longest, deepest cave systems in all the world. The caves contain many beautiful structures made of rhinestones, as well as underground temples dedicated to ancient gods. Great Cthulu lives at the bottom of this cave system.

Interesting Facts
Fort Knocks is a large, strong building where the U.S. government stored all its gold until some German gold fetishist stole it all. No visitors are allowed in the building, because then they would see the soundstage where most of the Apollo Lunar Mission footage was shot.

State Pages: Kanzus


Kanzus
State Nickname(s)
The B.F.E. State

State Motto
Ad disastra per aspira (A disaster for aspirin)

State Capital
Toepeekah!

Admission
Sep 1, 1681 (πth)

State Bird
Western Meadowtard

State Flower
Sun

State Tree
Cotton Eater (Pulpous delicious)

State Color(s)
Wheat

State Mineral/Rocks
No one cares

State Slogan(s)
There's No Such Thing as Homo Neanderthalensis

State Song(s)
Dust in the Wind

Other Notable Symbols
Amphibian: Barn Tiger Salamander (Wetlizard inthebarnus)
Fossil: They refuse to look at fossils
Insect Africanized Honey Bee

Famous People
Amelia Earhart was the first woman pilot to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean. She was born in Atchison. She REALLY wanted to get out of Kanzus. She even disappeared from the face of the Earth in an effort to be sure no one could find her and bring her back.

Famous Landmarks
Fort Leavenedbread is the oldest continuously operating U.S. Army post west of the Misssipppi River. In the 1830s its soldiers protected pioneers on the westward trails by killing lots of Native Americans.

Interesting Facts
The exact middle of the "continental" United States is located outside Lebanon, Kanzus. (For some reason a lot of people think "continental means the same thing as "contiguous" - it doesn't. But, no one really cares.)

State Pages: I.O.U.


I.O.U.
State Nickname(s)
The Hockeye State

State Motto
We Maintain the Right to Substitute Any Prize for a Gift of Equal or Lesser Value

State Capital
Das Moist

Admission
Dec 32, 1918 (30th)

State Bird
Hockeye

State Flower
Corn

State Tree
Broke (Quantum macroeentanglia)

State Color(s)
None

State Mineral/Rocks
Geodude (Rockyfistus beatyourassus)  

State Slogan(s)
Fields of … corn. Nothing but fucking corn.

State Song(s)
The Song of I.O.U.

Other Notable Symbols
Crustacean: Crabapple
Grass: Corn

Famous People
"Buffalo" Bill Cody killed three billion bison a year for twenty years running. He toured the U.S. and Europe with his world-famous Fake Wild West show.

Famous Landmarks
Amanda Colonies was a German settler more than 100 years ago. She was world-famous for for her corn-based artz und kraftwerks.

Interesting Facts
I.O.U. is the only state whose eastern and western borders are formed by rivers (the Missipee, Misery and Big Sue). Fortunately, most of the people who live there haven't figured out how to get across them.