Chapter 04: The Revolution, pt. 2

The American Revolutionary War (Or Rebellion, depending on which side of the Atlantic you are standing on) lasted from 1775 to about 1780something. It was fought all over the world, thus it has been given the nickname World War 0.

Before the British Lobsters (under the command of a really BIG lobster general called John Cage) arrived in Boston to take control of the colonists' munitions, Paul Revere, a Minutiae Man, saw a vision of a lighted tower (or else drew The Tower out of a Tarot deck - the records are unclear), so he jumped on his horse at midnight and warned everyone all over New England that the British were coming. When he lost his voice from yelling he fired a shot that could be heard all over the world.

Upon hearing the shot, Benjamin Franklin fled to France where he hid in the cupboards of various noblewomen. Eventually he came out of hiding and proceeded to talk King Louis XXL into sending the French Navy to help the colonists.

Back at the Consequential Congress, George Washington was elected Supreme Allied Commander, and took charge of all the colonists' armies, leaving Benedict Arnold with egg on his face. This gave Arnold the idea of opening a breakfast bar, but no one in America had time for breakfast, so he changed sides, so he could go to England and try his luck there.

General Washington proceeded to Boston, where they trapped most of the British army. Washington had begged, borrowed or stolen every cannon he could get his hands on and began raining death down on the city. The British were able to escape by sea, because this was while Franklin was still in Paris hiding under a noblewoman's skirts, and the Americans had no boats of their own.

Washington then headed south to meet the main British army and navy in New York. He then proceeded to lose battle after battle to the British. He then hit upon his brilliant plan: the British had been used to winning military victories all over the world despite overwhelming inferiority of numbers. Washington thought that if he started attacking huge masses of British troops with very small numbers of Colonial Militia it would probably confuse them.

Washington's plan worked brilliantly. Not knowing how to attack a force with such overwhelming odds in their favor, the British became disorganized and fled the field. They gathered together at a place called Yorkie Town, which was full of terriers who kept the British up all night with their incessant barking, so they couldn't sleep or even think. They decided to flee by sea again, but by this time Louis had sent his navy to help the colonies, and so he British had to surrender.

Hearing of the surrender, the Prime Minister was forced to resign and the Parliament asked if they could just sign another Treaty of Paris. Louis XXXLV was happy agree, as his noblemen were getting sick of finding Ben Franklin under their wives' skirts and in their bedrooms.

And thus, the United States of America was born!

State Page: De La Ware

DE LA WARE

State Nickname(s)

The Initial State

State Motto

Libraries and Interference

State Capital

White Cliffs

Admission

December 7, 1941 (-1st)

State Bird

Freakin' Chicken!

State Flower

Beach Plossum

State Tree

Holly Jolly

State Color(s)

Blueff

State Mineral/Rocks

Silmarillion

State Slogan(s)

It's Good Being Smaller, Fist.

State Song(s)

Where's Our Silverware?

Other Notable Symbols

Beverage: Malk

Bug: Lady

Fish: Weak

Famous People

Famous sturgeon, Dr. Henry Hindlick, invented and patented the Hind-Lick Manoeuvre in 1874. In has caused thousands of people to vomit uncontrollably. This is a good thing, for some reason.

Famous Landmarks

In Constitution Park there is a giant bronzed quill pen and a 4-inch stone cube with the U.S. Constitution written on it with magic marker. This represents the fact that De La Ware was the first state to approve the Magna Carta and the final draft of the Domesday Book.

Interesting Facts

De La Ware, with only three counties, has fewer than any other state: Northumbria, Mercia, Kent, East Anglia, Essex, Sussex and Wessex.

State Page: Connetticut

CONNETTICUT

State Nickname(s)

The Strength, Constitution & Dexterity State

State Motto

Qui transtulit sustinet (Who you callin' a Transvestite?)

State Capital

The Hartford

Admission

Soptomber 33, 1877 (5th)

State Bird

Worm-Eater (ristorantus hamburgerjointus)

State Flower

Stanley Laurel

State Tree

Chattering Oak

State Color(s)

clear

State Mineral/Rocks

Brown

State Slogan(s)

You Belong Somewhere - Stay There

State Song(s)

Yangtze Noodles

You're a Nut, Meg

Other Notable Symbols

None worth Noting

Famous People

Noah Webster invented the dictionary in 1956.

Famous Landmarks

Mystic Seaport has the largest collection of Ghost Ships in the world. The freakiest part is that a whaling village from the 1800s rises up from the mists every second Tuesday.

Interesting Facts

The State of Connetticut passed the first automobile law in 1601. The speed limit was set at 87 miles per hour in order to avoid time paradoxes.

State Page: Coloraddo

COLORADDO

State Nickname(s)

The Mile High State

State Motto

Nien Nunb Om Nom Nom (Nothing Without Snacks)

State Capital

John Denver

Admission

August 1, 1976 (48th)

State Bird

Lark's Tongues in Aspic (Calamitous Ickypoo)

State Flower

Rocky Mountain Columbine Shooter (infantes armaourum)

State Tree

Bruce Spruce (pinneaus australieas)

State Color(s)

Red Rum

Red Rum

Red Rum

REDRUM!

State Mineral/Rocks

Yule Marble (at our snowy mountains)

State Slogan(s)

Peak's Pike or Bust a Rhyme

State Song(s)

Rocky & Bullwinkle's High!

Other Notable Symbols

Beverage: Busch Light

Fish: Cut-Your-Throat-Out Trout

Insect: Streaking Butterfly (lepidopterus nudeus)

Famous People

Molly Brown was an actress and Philatelist who starred in Titanic in 1912. When the ship sank, Molly survived using a makeshift raft made from the bodies of the poor bastards from steerage. She later starred in a film called The Insufferable Molly Brown.

Famous Landmarks

Peak's Pike is the most famous pike in the world. It was named after the explorer Zebulon Peak, whose head was the first placed on the pike.

Interesting Facts

The whole state of Colorado started off as mining camps. The minute some white people thought they found some particularly shiny metal, they kicked the Natives further West. This is a theme that is repeated throughout American History.

Chapter 03: The Revolution, pt. 1

After the French Indians were defeated, the King decided to raise taxes on the colonists to help pay for the huge war they had just had. The colonists felt the king & parliament were engaged in what they termed a "protection racket" and didn't think it was fair that they should have to pay taxes for their own protection.

To show their displeasure, the colonists had a giant tea party at Boston harbor and then refused to pay for anything. Of course, they were also a little scared of the British Army, so they disguised themselves as French Indians and yelled slogans such as: "No taxification without repremandation", "Join us or, die trying!" or "Don't tread on my blue suede shoes!" on their way out. This event became known as The Great Boston Dine-And-Dash Party.

A number of other people came together to form a group called The Sons of Ribaldry whose purpose was to make dirty jokes about the king and advocate for national independence. Thomas Breade published several pamphlets titled Stuff and Nonsense in which he declared he wanted the colonists to quit Britain and start their own band.

In response to all this, King George sent a bunch of lobsters to Boston where they slaughtered half the city's population in an event that would later be known as The Boston Manslaughter. John Adams defended the lobsters in court because they claimed they had acted in self-defence as some of the colonists had tried to boil & butter them first.

When King George became Ill, the colonists took the opportunity to have a Consequential Congress. (Thus ignoring George Clinton's call for a Funkadelic Parliament.) They chose Philadelphia because it was a central location and George Washington loved him a good Philly Cheesesteak. At the Congress, Benjamin Franklin and Patrick Henry declared "Give us libraries, or give us death!" Franklin had invented the library and went on to actually found several new ones after the revolution. The Congress decided to declare independence from Britain before George Ill became George Well, and sent more lobsters. They wrote all their reasons down on a big sheet of paper, and sent it to Thomas Jefferson to finish the design & layout work on it. This became known as The Decoration of Independence.

When George the Ill received the decorations, he declared Jefferson's font choices and fundamental sense of composition to be the work of a hack designer, especially since he had used John Hancock's signature to fill so much white space at the bottom. He decided to send a whole army of lobsters to the colonies.

In response, John Paul Jones declared, "I have not yet begun to rock!" He then played a kick-ass bass solo, and thus was war declared between Great Britain and The United States of America.

State Page: Caaleefornia

CAALEEFORNIA

State Nickname

The "Out There" State

State Motto(s)

Eureka! (WTF?)

The Dude Abides

State Capital

Sacrébleu

Admission

Whenever, man!

State Bird

Soccer Mom (Milfius californicatus)

State Flower

California Poppy (smackus intravenous)

State Tree

California Redwood (Enormus bigasstreeus)

State Color(s)

Tarnished Gold

State Mineral/Rocks

Gold/crack cocaine

State Slogan(s)

Find Yourself Here ... Or There. Or Wherever, man!

State Song(s)

California Über Alles by The Dead Kennedys

Other Notable Symbols

Mammal: Insane Fame Seeker (Papparazzi parasiticus)

Grass: Grass (Cannabis sativa)

Insect: Dog-faced boy

Beverage: Ripple

Famous People

Sally Ride was originally found, along with a caveman, frozen in a block of ice in Encino, CA by Pauly Shore. She later became the first female astronaut. No one has ever actually been born in Encino, however just about anyone who gets moderately famous moves there at some point.

Famous Landmarks

The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is one of the longest suspension bridges in the world. It is made entirely of 14 karat gold. Every year painters use approximately 10,000 gallons of rust-colored paint on the bridge to cover the gold in order to hide it from fortune-seekers.

Interesting Facts

California has the highest and lowest people in the United States. Whitney Houston and Lindsey Lohan are approximately 14,494 feet above sea level. Most of the members of the Grateful Dead are 282 feel below sea level. (Although some of Jerry Garcia is scattered around the Ganges River in India, the rest of him was dumped into San Francisco Bay.) 

State Page: Arkansa(s)

Arkinsa(s)

State Nickname(s)

Silent "S" State

Au Naturel State

State Motto

Regnat populus (Soda Pop Rules)

State Capital

Amber Bock

Admission

June 15, 1936 (5th)

State Bird

Clintonista (courtesanus governersis)

State Flower

Haggle Blossom (Higgs Boson)

State Tree

Lollipop (tum tum)

State Color(s)

a sort of muddy green

State Mineral/Rocks

Sparklies

State Slogan(s)

Land of Gubernatorial Impunity

State Song(s)

Arkansaw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Other Notable Symbols

Insect: Huckabee

Instrument: Speedometer

Beverage: Milk of Magnesia

Famous People

William J. Clinton was only the second President to be impeached. He was impeached for sexual infidelity. Leading the impeachment movement was a large loud-mouthed newt called Gingrich, who was also carrying on an extramarital affair at the time - all while his wife was in the hospital dying of cancer. Gingrich is still in politics today, however, as Republicans can get away with shit like that.

Famous Landmarks

The whole damn state is full of nothing but swamps, rice fields and chicken farms.

Interesting Facts

Nine African American students tried to get an education in Arkansas in 1957. The white people threw a huge tantrum, and then governor Overly Flatulent sent the National Guard in to face down these Dangerous Children. President Eisenhower (a Republican, no less), sent in the 101st Airborne and federalized the Arkansa(s) National Guard and told the white people to stop acting like a bunch of  jerks about the whole "desegregation" thing and to "just get over it already."