Now With Pictures!

I've decided to start adding pictures to the State Pages. It's slow going, as I'm so busy with work and other projects (not to mention video games), but I think I'll eventually go back and add pictures to the old ones, too.

State Pages: Mess of Two Shits

State Flag Depicting Native in a World of Shit
(Note the sword about to come down on his head.)

State Nickname(s)

The Haahbaah State

State Motto

Ense petit placidum sub libertate quietem (Can't get any peace, except at the library.)

State Capital

Baahtsool

Admission

Feb 6, 1676 (666th)

State Bird

Wild Turkey

State Ship

Mayflower

State Tree

American Err, Umm (Ummus, err aahhh Americum)

State Color(s)

Blueberry, Cranberry, Greenberry

State Mineral/Rocks

Pudding

State Slogan(s)

We Made It Ours, Go Get Your Own!

State Song(s)

Crazy Train

Other Notable Symbols

Fruit: Them Apples (Howu likem)

Insect: Barfly (Drunkis barbituate)

Marine Animal: Rightist Whale (Cetacea limbaughus)

Famous People

Theodore Geisel, born in Springfield, wrote a number of popular children's books, such as That Cat Has My Hat and Tim Horton Hears a What, Now? He wrote under the pseudonym Herr Doktor Süß.

Famous Landmarks

Hahvid Univehshitty is the oldest college known to man. It is believed to have been founded somewhere around 136 BCE.

Interesting Facts

Native Americans and "Pilgrims" feasted on spam, goose, moose, spam, lobster, sushi, spam, turkey, and smap at the First Thanksgiving Dinner. Afterwards, the so-called "pilgrims" set to work "cleansing" those who had helped them survive that first, brutal winter. Sometimes history just sucks. And so do white people.

State Pages : Merryland

Merryland State Flag

State Nickname(s)

The Old Lime State

State Motto

Fascii maschii, parole femine (Only fascists let women out on parole.)

State Capital

Anna Polis

Admission

Apr 1, 1877 (77th)

State Bird

Baltimore Colts

State Flower

Black-Eyed Peas (Lyricum suckeus)

State Tree

Why Oak? (Quercus que)

State Color(s)

checkered

State Mineral/Rocks

pebblies

State Slogan(s)

More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine!

State Song(s)

Oh, Christmas Tree!

Other Notable Symbols

Cat: Calico (Felis mixedus)

Dog: Chesapeake Bay Retriever (canis smellywetus)

Insect: Baltimore Raven (Stolenteamus sorrycleveland)

Famous People

Babe Ruth was a delicious candy bar. He was born in Baltimore, but became famous in New York. His real first name was George.

Famous Landmarks

At Asshat Island National Seashore herd upon herd of tiny little wild Chicoharpo Ponies roam freely. This island is between Merryland, Virginnie and an undisclosed location known only in legends as Equestria.

Interesting Facts

Francis "Scottie Dog" Keys wrote "The Star-Spangled Banner" as he watched British ships attack Fort McHenry in Baltimore during the War of 1812. He didn't even try to stop them. He just sat there and watched! And he wrote his poem … which some idiot later set to the tune of an old English drinking song and then made it the U.S. National Anthem.

How's that for irony? (OK, not really irony, in the strictest sense … but sort of an odd poetic injustice.)

State Pages: Maine & Anjou

Flag of Maine & Anjou

State Nickname(s)

The Stephen King State

State Motto

Dirigible (We Like Balloons)

State Capital

Bangers & Mash

Admission

Ides of March 1820 (23rd)

State Bird

Dadachickadee (Dadachum dadachick)

State Flower

Pine Cone (Wedunnowhat afloweris)

State Tree

Eastern White (Wealsoconfuse treesandpeoples)

State Color(s)

Invisible

State Mineral/Rocks

Tamerlane (Turkishwarlords rock)

State Slogan(s)

There's More to Maine (There's also Anjou)

State Song(s)

Mainly We Like Songs

Other Notable Symbols

Cat: Maine Coon (Felis ginormus)

Dessert: Whoopie! I like pie!

Insect: Bookworm (Annelid literatiii)

Famous People

Stephen Freaking King! 'Nuff said.

Famous Landmarks

Arcadia National Park is the oldest arcade east of the Misssissssissipppi River. It is one of the most-visited national parks in the country and visitors spend enough quarters there each year to build a stack tall enough to reach the moon!

Interesting Facts

Maine & Anjou is the first state to see sunrise each day. This is because Maine & Anjou is actually further east than any other state—and the sun rises in the East since the Congressional Solar Decree of 1847. This will continue until December 21, 2012, when the sun will crash into the Earth.

State Pages: Loozianna

Loozianna

State Nickname(s)

The Oil-Soaked Pelican State

State Motto

Les oignons juteux sommes confinants

State Capital

Red Stick

Admission

Jan 4, 1218 (81st)

State Bird

Oil-Soaked Pelican (Pelicanus petroleumis)

State Flower

Sugar Magnolia (Abideus hightimeus)

State Tree

Bald Sourpuss (Pokeyplantae aquaeus)

State Color(s)

Aqua Blue

Sea Green

Swamp Brown

State Mineral/Rocks

Eggit (crystalus brownandstreakyis)

State Slogan(s)

Come as you are. Leave Soaking Wet (and Broke).

State Song(s)

You Are My Sunshine 

(I'll do anything you want, just please, please, PLEASE don't leave MEEEE!!)

Other Notable Symbols

Fish: White Crappy (Also the result of eating a lot of the food.)

Insect: Skeeter

Reptile: Alligator (Stayouttathewater biglizard'lleatus)

Famous People

Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong, from the infamous Storyville district of New Orleans, became a world-famous jazz musician. Also, he was just flat-out awesome.

Jim Garrison was born in Iowa, but spent most of his life and career in New Orleans. He is either the only man who really knew the truth behind the Kennedy assassination, or he was a paranoid nutbag. You decide!

Famous Landmarks

Atchafalaya Basin covers more than 500,000 acres of swampland. This is the largest undeveloped wetlands in all of the U.S. This fact makes real-estate developers apoplectic.

Interesting Facts

Loozianna is just packed wall-to-wall with voodoo witch doctors, gumbo and Jazz musicians. Also vampires, apparently.

Chapter 06: Some Other Stuff Happened and Holy Crap! What's with All the Slaves?

After the British Indian War of 1812 America took some time off to just sort of feel good about itself for a while. Pretty much everyone thought this was a grand idea, except for some slaves who decided to be all difficult about it, what with the wanting to be free and all.

Suddenly the questions on everyone's mind were: "Where'd all these black people come from?" and "What are we going to do with them?" This is the point at which most history texts go backward in time a little and discuss slavery, so we guess we'll do that.

See, it turns out that there had been slavery in the New World since the first Spaniards landed. The Conquestadoors made many of the natives slaves in their never-ending search for El Dorado, which was a magical golden car. Then they started bringing slaves from African markets, because it was easier to keep someone subservient if they were in a foreign land where they didn't speak the language than if they were being held in their own country and knew the land better than the slave masters themselves. Also, the natives were dying off from of all the disgusting medieval diseases the Europeans brought with them. After all, it's hard to get anyone to work when he's dying of smallpox, no matter how hard you beat him. So, it was just easier to ship some slaves over from Africa.

When the British started settling in North America to grow tobacco, they had the same problems with the Native Americans that the Spaniards had. Since the British Navy had claimed most of the drunks and street urchins for themselves, the new settlers were faced with the choice of either importing some Africans, or getting their own hands dirty and doing a little work themselves. 

Being English, they chose the first option.

And thus slavery came to America. And then the Revolution and all that other stuff kept everyone so busy that no one paid much mind to the slaves. Meanwhile, the new Americans kept bringing over new slaves by the shipload, because there was a lot of work to do in the Land of the Free.

By the early part of the 19th century, the slave trade had been abolished in Britain, with the exception of the Royal Navy, which could still impress people. They even went around capturing slave trading ships and fining the owners, which really impressed a lot of American sailors.

In eighteen-oh-something-or-other the Americans outlawed the import and export of slaves, but didn't outlaw slavery. Except in the northern states, where slavery had been abolished in the late 18th century.

Also in the late 17th century, Eli Watt invented a machine called a Cotton Spinning Jenny (which he apparently named after his daughter), that made it a lot easier to process wool. In reaction, the southern states stepped up their production of cotton in order to compete. Of course the southerners, like the English before them, weren't about to come down off their porches or carriages and do any work themselves, and they weren't about to pay anyone a decent wage for a day's work, so this really accelerated the slave trade. In fact, it made cotton so much cheaper to produce, that they put the sheep farmers right out of business. (They became so desperate that they even tried making clothes out of rabbit hair and llama fur.)

The Southern U.S. became insanely rich from all the free labor involved in the cotton trade. In fact, the whole South was so flush with cash that the owners of the big plantations decided to share the wealth - they completely eliminated poverty and built a model society which became the envy of the civilized world.

Oh, wait … that didn't happen. Instead they bought more slaves and land and politicians and lived like kings, while the slaves and the poor did all the work, had very little to eat, and received no education or public services. (It was like a Tea Party paradise down there.)

The North didn't care much for slavery, but they weren't particularly fond of Africans - after all, they had plenty of cheap, exploitable white labor coming in from Europe every day, so they didn't need slaves. Nevertheless, the whole slavery issue wasn't a big deal until it was time to make some new states, and a determination had to be made as to whether the new sates would be "slave" states or "free" states. The North didn't want to be outnumbered by the slave states, because a lot of Northerners wanted an end to slavery - some gradually, some immediately. The South didn't want their freedom (to own people) or rights (to deny rights to others) abridged in any way, so they felt that new states should all be "slave" states, or at the very least that the new states should be divided so as to keep the status quo. (There were eleven of each kind of state  - "free" and "slave" by 1820, so it was all balanced out and everything.)

So when some of the miserable people just wast of the Missippi River wanted to form a state, but wanted to keep slaves (because most of the immigrants there had come from the South), there had to be a compromise. The new rule was that any new states from north of a certain line would have to be "free", while those to the south would be "slave" states, there would be an exception for the new state, as long as another new state could be formed in the north. The new Northern state was called Main, because it served one main purpose: to keep the states in balance. The new "southern" state was full of swamps and slaves, and was thus named "Misery" for the condition of the majority of its inhabitants.

This is NOT the last we'll hear about this whole slavery thing ...

State Pages: Kenstuckey's

Kenstuckey's

State Nickname(s)

The Bluegrass State of Mind

State Motto

Deo gratiam habearnus (God damn, that's a hot pepper!)

State Capital

Louisville (Or is it Lexington?)

Admission

Jun 6, 1941 (2rd)

State Bird

Another Cardinal

State Flower

Sneeze Blossom

State Tree

Two-Lip Tree (Tulipsdontgrowontrees ignoramus)

State Color(s)

Grass Blue

State Mineral/Rocks

Coal (Carbonus fillinmylungus)

State Slogan(s)

We elected a turtle as our senator.

State Song(s)

My Old Kentucky Moon

Other Notable Symbols

Beverage:  Moonshine Whiskey

Dinosaur: Mitch McConnell

Fish: Spotted Ass

Famous People

Muhammad Ali became an Olympic boxing champion and four-time heavyweight champion of the world. He was born in Louixvintonville. He was the greatest at stinging like a butterfly and floating like a bee.

Famous Landmarks

Mammoth Cave National Park has one of the longest, deepest cave systems in all the world. The caves contain many beautiful structures made of rhinestones, as well as underground temples dedicated to ancient gods. Great Cthulu lives at the bottom of this cave system.

Interesting Facts

Fort Knocks is a large, strong building where the U.S. government stored all its gold until some German gold fetishist stole it all. No visitors are allowed in the building, because then they would see the soundstage where most of the Apollo Lunar Mission footage was shot.